Sorry for the delay. Auntie has had such a busy week. Back to school and all that jazz. Since it has been a while, here's an update from our beloved Keystone Kop.
There comes a time in an old cop’s life when they wonder if they should just turn in the badge and gun. Never fear, dear reader, this is not one of those times. I will find the missing authors if it is the last thing I do. How do I know they’re just missing and not dead? Easy, they’re still on social media, some of them have new books coming out, and they all seem totally clueless as to what is going on around them. Just ping their phones, you say? That just leads to the middle of the ocean and we all know she has them hidden in a cabin in the woods, she said so.
I have every police force (but not the officers who are writers, they might be in on it) searching every cabin even remotely thought to be in the woods. We’ve even been approved for hazard pay regarding poison ivy, poison sumach, and teddy bear picnics. Yes, teddy bear picnics. That is what the ladies are calling them. The world has gone crazy. They are setting up picnics in bear territories(do not actually do this. I am begging you!) and having lunch as the bears just wander around. Some of these picnics have led to death but there has always been a note that reads “Better the honest bear than the lying man.” It is like these women have set up a movement of some kind.
Where was I before the bear rant? Oh yes, with every cabin in the United States and Canada thoroughly searched, we have decided to try the ocean again where all the authors phones are said to be located. To reach the location quickly, President Biden and Vice President Harris have let me borrow their fastest sub in the fleet, Sea Force One(patent pending), to see if there is anyway they have been thrown overboard and someone else on a boat with their phones. When looking for lost authors, one must learn to think like an author.
Sea Force One had us in the general location of the phones in two hours thanks to the Extra Super Amazing Nuke Engine (patent pending). What we found was amazing. On the floor of the ocean was a huge bubble of non-degradable glass. Inside the bubble was a small forest (don’t ask me how, I’m a cop, not a scientist). I could see birds flying, foxes running, rabbits jumping. Over to the left was a deer. Is that a freaking bear? Even down here? Really ladies? As we docked at the front door of the bubble, my fugitive came out of the cabin at the edge of the woods. She looks a little different, more like a bog witch in her dark velvets and lace.
“Officer, it took you long enough to find us.”
“You didn’t make it easy and it’s Detective. You’re under arrest for false imprisonment, kidnapping multiple people, and I’m sure I can find somewhere in the States to charge you with witchcraft.”
“This again? Do you see any authors here?”
“Cuff her. Search the grounds. Stop flirting with the cops, it won’t save you.”
My fugitive sulked while leaning against the porch railing, her hands cuffed in front of her. I joined the other officers in the cabin and I could not believe my eyes. It was a one room cabin but oh, what a room! Crystal chandelier, a wall of ornate bookshelves but instead of books, there are cauldrons. As I stride further into the room, heads start popping out of the cauldrons. Finn, Handler, Lane… wait! When the hell did she have time to collect Blackwood? On a lower shelf is LaFauci and Wright in a very Bedazzled, very sparkly cauldron. Flittering from cauldron to cauldron, is Ward, the missing librarian. Is she organizing the authors? Is she in on this too?
“Put that little one in a jar until we figure out if she’s an accomplice. Don’t forget holes in the lid so she stays alive. Can we get a male officer for Blackwood? He’s seducing all the ladies again.”
It took a few hours but we got all the authors safely on Sea Force One. Apparently, they refused to leave unless they were carried in their cauldrons. I really hope this is the last time I have to work with authors. My fugitive is going away for a long time after this.
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